"Music is what feelings sound like."--unknown
Music is my therapy. Well, besides my blog. Whenever I am in a certain mood- good or bad, sad or happy, crazy or subdue-I have those two outlets. I either turn on music and blast it loud, singing with it or just taking the lyrics in, or I turn on my computer, and begin to blog. Both are therapeutic, and unfortunately, for ya'll, one is very public!
It has now officially been a month since the NICU (read about that here). I feel like people think I should be over this by now, which it has, thankfully, been a very healthy month in the Hobbs household. But I just can't stop thinking, talking, and dwelling on the events that took place. I have good and bad emotions regarding the situation, but for me, it is helpful to think and talk about them. Now that the initial shock has worn off, I like talking about what happened, how I was feeling during it, and the way the Lord really used the situation to bring himself glory. I feel like I need to do this for two reasons: one, because it is helpful for me to replay it in my head. Not necessarily the part where he almost died, but the different events of the day. It reminds me how great my God is and reminds me how I could have never gone through that situation alone. It reminds me I am not alone. The second reason is because I truly believe Bennett went through that (and me and Tyler), so that people would see the goodness of God and how he answers prayer. How am I supposed to share how God worked in our lives if I don't talk about it? So there, I am very sorry, but you will be hearing about the NICU for awhile...I am so thankful for the outcome, but I am also thankful for the experience and how it grew us emotionally and spiritually.
While Tyler, Cayden, and I were waiting in the family room, waiting to hear if our son was alive, I snuck away to the bathroom and just cried. I couldn't let either of them see me just lose it. I had a very intimate moment in there where I just sang "God is so Good", a BSF child's hymn that they sing to Cayden in the children's program. So often I sang that to Cayden throughout the year since it was a song he knew full well, hearing it every week. I just sang it out loud...not very well, fighting to sing a note through tears, but I sang it and thought about every word.
"God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, he's so good to me."
Music is a language I speak. I can't explain how much this meant to me. I knew these words in my head, but singing these words made me feel it in my heart. I knew God was good and no matter the outcome, he was STILL good.
I have not shared that moment with anyone, not even Tyler, because it was such an intimate, personal moment, where I began to let myself let go. I let go of my emotions, and I let go of control-not that I had any in the first place. I relinquished "control" of my eight day old and gave him to God, still begging him to save Bennett.
After the NICU, I couldn't listen to music. When we got to the car to take Bennett home, Tyler turned on the radio and I made him turn it off. Like I said, music is my therapy, but at this moment in time I didn't want to release emotion. I just wanted to sit in silence and think about what happened....all I wanted to think about was the fact that Bennett was in his car seat, alive, and on his way home. I didn't want to dwell on all that took place, or think about the state he was in before, or all the details of exactly what happened. Music would pull all of that emotion out of the pit that I was keeping it in right now.
On Sunday, during our worship service at church, I began to dwell on the words we were singing...and those emotions did a full escape of the pit I was hiding them in. Here I was, holding my precious, HEALTHY six week old in the baby bjorn, while he silently slept, singing to my Savior who saved him. We were singing "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong. I was thinking about each word I was singing and tears just poured out.
"Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame"
"In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out"
I soaked up every word. "Your will about all else"--thanking him that his will was for Bennett to live. "My purpose remains"--I need to talk about it and praise him to everyone around me, because the purpose in this was to point people to the healing power of my Jesus, my savior. "The art of losing myself in bringing you praise" "Your light will shine when all else fades"--I was at the end of my rope, I had nothing else to turn to, he was the only power who could heal my son. "In my heart, in my soul, I give you control, consume me from the inside out"--The only thing I could do was be willing to give Bennett over to Jesus. I never had control, but as his mom, he was mine to protect, mine to fight for, mine to hand over. No one cares more about Bennett, then his creator, and I had to know that and remember that.
This flood of emotion was so much to handle. I stopped and closed my eyes and thanked Jesus for saving my son (something I will probably do every single day of his life). I held on to Bennett tightly and told him I loved him. His sweet sleeping face just winced- I probably squeezed a little too tight ;).
I am so thankful for music and the emotions it pulls out of me. These were all good emotions to release and it was a great reminder of why we worship. It gave me new meaning of worshiping our creator, our healer, and our redeemer.
